The suggestion is that some couples take a separation in order to take a step back, collect their thoughts, and consider the other person’s perspective on the rough patches being experienced. The idea is that understanding the other person’s point of view helps you fathom a solution more satisfactory for everyone or, essentially, compromise.
If your husband has taken steps to file for a separation and has left the home, how do you get him to come back if it appears he’s given up trying?
One priority is to keep a level head when and if there is a discussion on the subject. Becoming emotional or irrational will validate for your spouse that he’s doing the right thing.
In all probability, this sort of communication style led to this result, making it necessary that each of you finds a different approach if either of you hopes to try for a second chance.
And with the emotional investment that a marital commitment involves not only in the overall connection but in each other, there should at least be the consideration for a second chance, but there’s no obligation.
That’s the thing many spouses tend to forget and end up pushing their husbands further away. Let’s consider what you should do to bring a man back and what you need to avoid.
What should you do to win him back?
Despite the reasons a husband files for a separation, the underlying cause is often a communication breakdown. In order to resolve any issues that come along, there needs to be a reasonable, calm, and effective dialogue between partners, leaving emotion out of the mix.
If you have battles that are often heated with little solved from the exchange, it leaves the problems left to be internalized and fester. That eventually leads to feelings of resentment.
In order to get away from what becomes a toxic cycle, the husband decides that it would be healthier to take steps to separate and live apart. These sorts of decisions are not often mutual.
Usually, the person left or, in this case, the wife, wants to save the marriage while the husband needs the relationship as it exists to end. The woman stands flabbergasted, trying to figure out how to get her spouse to come back.
At this point, the wife is used to conflicts left unresolved, moving on from these confrontations as though nothing happened to live another day in peaceful disillusionment.
The lady is unsure how to actually solve a problem, especially one of this magnitude. In many cases, people will go to the extreme when a spouse files for separation and leaves, showing desperation with extreme amounts of texts, calling, or other contact methods.
These efforts, in fact, further push a partner away. When someone leaves because they feel overwhelmed by the relationship, it’s sort of an oxymoron to inundate them. Not cool.
A decisive, mature first step for a wife is to seek individual counseling to vent all the insecurities and fears that she’s experiencing and gain insight into how to move forward to bring her husband back.
A reputable, well-qualified professional can provide the tools necessary to guide you through the difficulty of separation. That person can help you to learn the underlying reasons your husband might have felt compelled to leave, and then, show you how to be accountable. That way, you can determine how to present yourself as a better option for that second chance.
Tips for winning a spouse when you’re separated
Once a husband leaves the home and takes the necessary steps for a separation, it’s up to the wife to find a healthy way to cope with the emotions she’s experiencing. So that she can work for a second chance at the marriage.
The ideal way to become healthy and gather the right tools to get that second chance is with quality counseling sessions. If the marriage was not working to this point with poor communication and unresolved problems, counseling is a step that needs to be taken, even if it is solo at first.
It will teach the wife the best way to approach her husband to get positive results. Some tips that will be advisable:
Allow your husband time and space
You should give your husband sufficient time and space to process his feelings and work through his healing process. Pursuing him persistently, calling and texting incessantly, and contacting him with requests to talk about things but going over the same routine is not what he needs.
These sorts of efforts will merely validate for him that he’s doing the right thing.
When you do approach him or wait for him to approach you, you want to appear calm, rational, and ready to listen to what he has to say. There shouldn’t be an emotional response or conflict but, instead, respect, patience, and eagerness to find solutions.
The counseling sessions you invest in will provide the necessary tools for effective communication and listening. A professional will also help you to understand the importance of compromise and how to do so effectively for everyone’s satisfaction.
While you want to ensure you meet your spouse’s needs, you don’t want to step on your own needs to get him back. There has to be a healthy balance.
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Stop and consider criticism and complaints
Respect, gratitude, and appreciation go a long way in a partnership. If you didn’t find these things with your husband but instead tended to tell him what he was doing wrong most of the time, there need to be drastic changes in how you look at what he does in the household and for you.
Plus, it would help if you determined whether your standards and expectations are simply out of reach for any person.
For example, perhaps your husband was able to unload the hampers and separate the laundry into loads. But he didn’t get the chance to start a load before he needed to run out.
Instead of thanking his effort in what he was able to do, you berate him for not going ahead and putting a load into the washer.
In all other circumstances, the guy comes home believing he made you happy with what he did get finished only to find himself complained on and criticized.
If this is standard on a day-to-day basis, it will wear on self-worth and confidence. And if there’s no positive communication between you, he will internalize and resent it.
That can lead to his desire to leave. You should always appreciate and show gratitude for every effort a spouse makes to save each of you a few steps. You’re a team, and you’re in it together. The more someone does, the less you each have to do later.
Learn the why
Whether through your counseling or if you can convince your spouse to go to couples counseling, try to learn the underlying cause of the separation and what ultimately was the end for him. Depending on his response, it could be a major reality check or a traumatic encounter.
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Perhaps something you don’t want to know but need to learn. Did he cheat and now feels guilty? Does he resent you for a reason you need to work on – can you handle criticism? Whatever it is, this is another reason you’re in counseling.
If you genuinely believe you’ve invested too much emotionally just to let go of this person, then you’ll find the tools to work through this with the therapist’s help, regardless of what it is. Nothing is impossible. You just both have to believe that it’s possible and want it enough.
Work on who you are and be happy
Regardless of whether you get your husband back after he takes steps to separate, you must move forward healthfully and find happiness. That means finding the person you want to be. Start working to reintroduce yourself.
Sometimes we forget who we are when we marry, and our lives become essentially one. When you’re on your own, take the time to develop interests you might have put on the back burner.
Take up hobbies that might take you outside of the familiar and comfortable. Meet new people and make some new acquaintances. When your husband sees that you’re not going to stop living your life, he might want to see what you have going on.
You can slowly begin to re-incorporate him if that’s what you still want to do – baby steps.
Trying to get a husband back when he takes separation steps can sometimes lead to desperate behavior. It’s essential to take a step back, take a breath, and resolve not to be desperate.
A first contact should be with a counselor, a well-qualified, experienced therapist who can work with you through the challenge of loss and offer tools to guide you on how to bring practical solutions that might make your husband want to come back.
It’s not impossible to get a second chance with marriage, but the priority is ensuring it’s the right thing for both of you.